When it’s time to go home, a certain unrest appears within. 30 days or more away from the real life, no idea what’s going on at home. I didn’t want to stay in touch with Slovenia and the people I love, mainly because I wanted to see who or what I’d miss. I didn’t miss anyone or anything, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t think of anyone. I did; I just didn’t miss it. I found exactly what I came looking for on the Path.
Physically, I went alone, but in my mind and in my heart three fantastic persons kept me company. I took two good friends, who sadly are not among us anymore; and a brilliant idiot (affectionately said), who’s probably playing with his new toy, a drone. I have to say we had a lot of fun, a lot of laughter and long chats about different things like why it would be good if pigs flew. I got the bad news when I returned home from the Portuguese Path. My dear friend, Nadka, was diagnosed with a lung cancer. The beginning of the end… The agony dragged for eight months before her heart stopped beating on April 20, only 39 years old. Way too soon. At the same time, another friend found out in December she had brain tumour. The surgery was successful, her health improved, but out of the blue she just didn’t wake up. She fell into a coma and passed away. Only 47 years old. Nadka was my long-time friend, while I met Michelle in my studio four years ago. They were the kind of friends for whom you know will stick around even if they know they can’t fix your problem. But they’ll stick around; that’s how they were. Strong friendship doesn’t need daily chats or meetings – it needs heart and ears. We had that. You can only build friendship with someone who’s always their real self and you can be your real self when with them. No games, no hypocrisy. Two different persons, but they accept one another with all their virtues and all their mistakes. No judgement. I happened to lose two of my dearest friends in just two months. They fit me like rain on a hot, steaming day.
What we had in common was our love for music. Michelle taught music lessons at her local elementary school and she was a rocker. Nadka loved dancing near the DJ with the widest smile. They were special and unique. They did not mince words, they were beautiful on the inside, full of optimism and joy. I saw them both in December. Had I known it was our last time together, I would have gotten us extra bottles of wine. They loved wine. White wine. They were humble, kind-hearted, compassionate, honest, gentle, fair and smiling. It’s hard to say goodbye to those things. They say life is like a book, flipping pages every day, but nobody knows when the novel ends. But it’s not always a novel – sometimes it’s a fucking novella.
We’re born in the middle of the show and we leave in the middle of the show. The role we have on the stage is determined by us. We were very synchronized in our “dancing”. We made unforgettable memories, heavy categories. People like to add spices in the original stories to make them more juicy for listeners, but we often had to give them away so that people even believed us.
I wanted to visit them during their therapies, but they didn’t feel like it. I completely understand. I was very sick a few years ago and I didn’t feel like socializing as well. That’s how I felt. But they knew I was there for them anytime of the day, whether they’d need me or just because. It didn’t happen. I lost so much in such a short time. So I decided to take them with me to my last 1000-kilometer walk.
The same with the Idiot who I bailed on in March and disappeared for a few months. You don’t do that to a person, but life happens and I’m only human and I’m bound to fuck up. The closer we are to someone, the better we see their flaws. Nobody’s perfect and there are no perfect morons. Don’t expect perfection from people and don’t expect people to think like you. Cherish their virtues and tolerate their mistakes. People say there are no second chances. Others say life is full of them. Every day is a new beginning, a new opportunity. It’s a hard fact that in some cases we don’t get a second chance. I got the chance to explain my mistake, apologize and beg for forgiveness. I, however, didn’t get the second chance to fix it. I can give myself a second chance to be better that yesterday, to be more responsible than yesterday. It is true, though, that my action was unforgivable. So you go on Camino and beat yourself up for your behaviour. There’s no lousier feeling than being disappointed with yourself.
The point of the Path was socializing, not saying goodbye, because I couldn’t hang out with them in their time of agony. I can’t imagine a better company, the evenings with a cold beer, adventures on the path. A real fucking marry-go-round in the head. What’s boredom again?
I decided to buy them a drink on Michelle’s birthday. So I was in the middle of nowhere with three imaginary friends, two beers and two glasses of white wine. It’s not important what the waiter thought, but the look was there. Michelle came up with this fantastic idea in Ljubljana. When she told me the story, I was laughing out loud. I told her I had to do it myself sometime. And I did, on Camino. I had to drink all the booze myself, naturally. Easy-peasy. Let us pray.
Michelle gave me a hoodie sweater a year ago, since she knew I loved them. It was grey, and it said NOTHING LASTS FOREVER with a huge 68 underneath. It was basically the date of her death, which is a total whatthefuckery. Nadja’s last words during our phone call were “I just wanna dance.” My heart stopped for a second. That second I was helpless and on the verge of tears. That sentence still lives on in my head.
I lost three Friends this year. It’s not easy. It’s absolutely fucking hard. An awful shock therapy. One big terrible sadness that doesn’t go away. I lost a part of me. It’s terrible because there won’t be any long conversations anymore – the conversations where we got to know each other.
Life is a pearl that starts with crying and ends with crying.
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. It’s both a good and a bad news. So live to the fullest.